A couple of months ago, I finally decided to officially estrange myself from my parents. I didn’t try to have a huge conversation, I didn’t write a long letter, I just… disappeared. It was mostly a mental decision than any sort of physical act, to be honest.
I don’t want to end up overexplaining or accidentally becoming defensive about why or how, so I think that’s enough of a summary, for context. I know estrangement a well-debated path, and it stresses me out that “society” tends to not be a fan of it, but… I’ve decided that this is what’s right for me, and that’s all I really need to care about.
I wrote this in April, after the estrangement, almost as if to convince myself that it was over. I read in a trauma book once that it’s really important to have a sense that the trauma is actually “over”. For me, turns out, keeping the door ajar and allowing them even very very limited access to me, still felt like it wasn’t over, like it would never be over. So, this was me trying to declare, to myself and all my parts, that it was, in fact, finally over.
Of course, it didn’t exactly work instantaneously. The process of making this decision and then executing it has had me feeling like I’m drowning in the background of my mind, for months on end. (Though a close friend recently pointed out that drowning is sort of a foreground activity, which is… entirely accurate, hahah, and can help explain why I’ve had so much trouble doing anything for a long while now.)
But, as with all these dandelion chapters, it seems like the act of writing it is what initially releases a huge wave of feelings, and the act of sitting on it and eventually illustrating it and sitting on it some more… that waiting period between writing it and actually releasing it seems to represent the process of me actually accepting all these big feelings.
So, maybe I’m ready to not-drown anymore? I’ve been feeling a lot better this week, but I don’t know it’s because I’m back on land or if I’m just coming up for air before drowning some more. Either way, I’ll just keep on existing and see how it goes. 💌
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This is all I have for now, until I decide to write again. Thank you so much for listening this week, and for helping me feel a little less alone. ❤
All the best,
Jessica