This one… is heavy. :’) Well, I guess they all are, but each one still somehow manages to feel like the heaviest.
I spent the first couple years of therapy learning what “trauma" even was, and processing the fact that my childhood was not as “normal” as I thought it was. Then I spent the next couple years processing feelings about my dad, the primary abuser. And now, for the last few years, I’ve been processing the vastly more complicated feelings about my mom. The enabler who let it all happen, made me apologize to keep the peace, made me believe it was normal, and filed every “bad” feeling away, never to be mentioned again.
I wrote this in February and illustrated it in March, when I was on the brink of pulling the trigger on estrangement. (Well, I’ve been on the brink of estranging myself for a year… or, arguably, 10 years, lol. I finally did do it in April, though! That’s the next chapter, hah.)
Estranging from my dad felt… aligned. When it came to my mom, it… just felt really complicated. But the big recurring thought that started forming over time, was that my mom’s “love” was not enough. It existed to some degree, but the love a child deserves would have protected, and she didn’t.
With this thought, most of my parts were on board with estrangement, but I still had a couple parts trying to desperately pump the brakes, out of fear.
As frustrating as it was to feel so split inside, therapy reminded me to, as always, try to listen and see what they’re trying to tell me. To hear out their fears and their stories, and then gently update those parts and bring them to the present day, because they’re stuck… living in the past, still in danger.
One of these parts wanted to tell me that childhood was good, that everything was fine. I was horrified honestly, and was really reluctant to listen to her at first. I actually had to rewrite this chapter a couple times because I started getting too aggressive at myself (another part, as my therapist likes to point out) and had to pull it back, and try harder to understand where she’s coming from.
She’s coming from a time I had fully blacked out. She had to believe everything was fine, otherwise she might not have survived.
This chapter is about letting her speak. 💌
˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗
I have a short-ish chapter on estrangement that I’ll be releasing this Friday, so I’ll see you again soon before I duck away into my dark corner again.
Thank you for listening. ❤
All the best,
Jessica